I am a week and a half late, but after seven months of negative tests, I am a little scared to take another one and have been putting it off.
"I'll probably start my period tomorrow..."
I had a late night on Friday with my show and was joking with the cast about maybe being pregnant. This only fueled my fear thinking I was "jinxing" it! (Paranoid, party of one.)
I went to the bathroom, took the test, and sat there on the toilet trying to ignore the blinking of the screen. (the good tests were on sale this time!) I was trying to figure out how to keep myself occupied for three more minutes when I glanced down and saw it.
"Pregnant"
I pulled myself together, ran into our bedroom, and crawled next to Gabe and whispered in his ear. It wasn't until this moment that I started to cry. :)
The rest of the day was very foggy. We went out to breakfast, then spent a lot of time on the computer. We watched the documentary, "The Business of Being Born" (So good!!!). Then spent more time looking up Birthing Centers. Every hour or so I would hear Gabe say something like "wow" or "this is happening". I also found myself in this state of disbelief.
When I was in High School I made a decision that I didn't want to have kids. I wanted to be a mom, but didn't want anything to do with BIRTH. Nine months of sick, fat, uncomfortable only then to get pain, medication, pain, screaming, grossness and more pain. Yuck! Adoption seemed like a great idea to me! As my friends and I got older their passion for pregnancy grew and mine only seemed to get more terrifying. There was a season where 4 out of the 7 women in my show were pregnant. I would get dizzy just hearing their stories and would have to walk away from every conversation, every day! (Worst year of my life! Ha!)
It was only when I met Gabe and we got married, that I even considered doing this. Having a child with the love of my life seemed like something I could get through. We do still want to adopt and grow our family with children from all walks of life, but we will start off this chapter with one of our very own.
The Roller Coaster:
When you're little, you look up at this great big, giant machine. It is whipping people around. They are fearful, screaming, some even getting sick. You watch in horror as they spin and drop, listening to their cries. But then you focus on their faces, and most of them are smiling. If you listen a little closer, there is laughter along with the screams. And when you step back you see there is a giant line of people waiting to get on this monster of a ride.
It has taken me 29 years to even look close enough to see the good stuff. In October of 2012 Gabe and I got in line. We waited in the line for seven months (long line). And on May 18th at 6:34am, we got on this big scary coaster.
Today is the 19th. I woke up sore and a little uncomfortable and happy.
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